Addicted to Freaking Out

I guess it's a sign that something is wrong when you decide you need counseling... and you can't find time to go.

My name is Mari Bland, and I'm a stressaholic.

Now, you might be thinking that I used the term wrong. No one could be addicted to stress, right?

WRONG.

As much grief as stress gives me (IBS, Acid Reflux, Meningitis, Shingles, Sinus Infections, Muscle Spasms, etc.), I'm addicted to it. If I'm not stressing about SOMETHING, I feel like something is wrong. The only time I rememer being truly relaxed for a long period of time was in Italy.

I can't fall asleep, then when I do I wake up constantly, and I wake up before my alarm clock.

I truly have it made. Why do I need to worry and stress about every little thing? I know what it was. Ever since I found out I was graduating early, it sent me into a tailspin. Sheesh. To most, that's a good thing.

So, I have a paper due on Tuesday that I have NO EARTHLY DESIRE to write or think about. Thank goodness we can use first person. If ONLY I could get the motivation to do it somehow.

Then I have a documentary due on Thursday. I thought the rough draft of it was really good... but it didn't get the response from the teacher that I was hoping. So, we have to re-do quite a few of the interviews and such.

Damn my perfectionist mindset. It's OK not to be perfect all the time. I promise. I tell that to my friends all the time that are like me. But, for some reason, my own advice is hardest to take.

Well, wish me luck.

This week will be a fun one. Maybe I'll actually find time to go to the counseling center.

Sigh....

Feels Good To Protest

There's nothing like chanting with a group of people who care about the world and what injustices have occurred within it.

This afternoon at 3:15, I met a group of 60+ people in the Humanities Building Plaza. We were there for many reasons, all of them having to do with RACISM on UT's campus. There's no denying it exists and people that do are choosing not to acknowledge a huge problem.

Let me explain...

Dr. George White is a teacher here at UT (well, was... but I'll get there). He was recently denyed tenure for "reasons that could not be disclosed." Some administration has commented that his published material is controversial. They also said that the publishing house which published his work is controversial.

Have I mentioned that he is black and backs almost all of the progressive groups on campus?

Interesting...

I've met Dr. George White only once, sadly. But, he is THE REASON I joined the Progressive Student Alliance. He does not try to "pull the wool" over any students' eyes. He tells the truth about the world... racism and all. Is that really controversial? Would anyone really deny that racism exists? He is an intelligent, deserving individual. In fact, Temple University has ALREADY offered him a job. Odd that someone so "controversial" would have a prestigious job WAITING for him as soon as he leaves UT.

So, we marched for him. We chanted for him. We screamed for him.

Today it was not about whether you are black or white. It was about the fact that the flagship university in Tennessee was ALLOWED to deny a man because of his color. Is this not 2007? Aren't we supposed to have a FAIR democracy in this country? Freedom? Freedom to be racist and homophobic? That is NOT the kind of freedom I want. Really, we have to freedom to hate in this country... and it terrifies me.

I feel empowered. I feel like I've made a difference.

Today I protested injustice... and tomorrow I will be looking forward to the next time.

- Mari Bland -

The Great Dictator

"I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone - if possible - Jew, Gentile - black man - white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness - not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost....

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men - cries out for universal brotherhood - for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world - millions of despairing men, women, and little children - victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those who can hear me, I say - do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed - the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish. .....

Soldiers! don’t give yourselves to brutes - men who despise you - enslave you - who regiment your lives - tell you what to do - what to think and what to feel! Who drill you - diet you - treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men - machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! You don’t hate! Only the unloved hate - the unloved and the unnatural! Soldiers! Don’t fight for slavery! Fight for liberty! In the 17th Chapter of St Luke it is written: “the Kingdom of God is within man” - not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people have the power - the power to create machines. The power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure. Then - in the name of democracy - let us use that power - let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world - a decent world that will give men a chance to work - that will give youth a future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfil that promise. They never will! Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people! Now let us fight to fulfil that promise! Let us fight to free the world - to do away with national barriers - to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness. Soldiers! in the name of democracy, let us all unite!"

- Charlie Chaplin as The Jewish Barber, "The Great Dictator" (1940)

The Power of "isms"

I can honestly say that I am a different person than I was. I have grown and I have changed.

I am different.

The pink glasses are off. The world looks like a different place.

Why do we view life through our own experiences? Is it because we have no one else's experiences to use? No. It's because everything is easy for us. We haven't ever had to walk in anyone else's shoes. We can keep our own, comfortable, familiar shoes on and not worry about the comfort of anyone else's feet.

We don't have to worry about being killed because we are different. We don't have to worry about ever being refused anything. Yes, I will get paid 76 cents on every dollar, but at least I was hired. At least I am paid.

Every day I drive to my job and see 30 homeless people under the overpass. Do you think they are lazy? Do you think they WANT to live like that? Life handed them the shit stick and they had no choice but to take it. Society forced them to take the stick and not ask questions.

Capital"ISM"

I'm sick of indifference. I'm sick of passiveness. I WILL DO SOMETHING.

Murder is NEVER okay. Not even when someone tells you it is noble.

Racism is scary. It is not a joke. You cannot be "not racist"... only "anti-racist."

Letting someone hurt others is the same as doing it yourself.

LOOK AROUND.

Open your eyes wide.

Racism
Agism
Shapism
Heterocentrism
Classism
Anti-sematism
Sexism

Even a passive oppressor is still an oppressor.

I have been a passive opressor in the past and I apologize. I have sat with my mouth closed and thought that if I ignored it, it might dissapear.

It didn't.

What a Little Stress can Do

Well, I've felt better, that's for sure. I am lucky, though. So many awful things could have happened.

Lately, I've been complaining of an unbearable headache. It's lasted for 6 days and hasn't stopped. So, I went to the health center on campus. I definitely have Shingles. I'm 20 and I have...Shingles. Really and truly? Yes.

Then, off to my actual doctor. The headache was driving me CRAZY. So, I spoke to the RN and my doctor and they said I needed to go to the E.R. Awesome. Hah. Thanks goodness my parents live so close.

The E.R. wasn't very crowded, luckily. I went in and they took some blood and gave me a cat scan. Luckily... no brain tumor. Then they said they needed to do a "lumbar puncture." Anything with the word "puncture" in it is enough to scare anyone. THEN I found out it's also called a spinal tap. That wording didn't sound any better.

So, they "tapped me spine." THAT was pretty fun. You have to curl up in the fetal position (so you are facing away from the doctor and what she plans to do. This was good because I didn't get to see the needle, but it was weird because I didn't know how awful it looked.). Then she numbed me about 4 times with nice little needles. (the nice was obviously sarcasm) Then she stuck the GIGANTIC needle in. Unfortunately, she got blood the first time and had to do a do-over. I was super-psyched.

When that was all over... I had to lie flat on my back for... 4 hours. Sweetness.

Then they came in and told me that I have viral meningitis (NOT to be confused with the terrifying fatal kind: bacterial meningitis). At first, they said I would have to stay overnight. Luckily, though, another doctor came in and told me that I could stay if I wanted to. Of course, I said no. Hah. 'Please let me stay in the hospital, sir!! I LOVE it here!"

So- that's my drama for now. I'm on the couch basically every second of the day.

Call me if you'd like. Bad HBO movies get pretty old.

Meningitis Mari

Oh Mac, Fruit of my Loins

I'm in love. Well, I've been in love with a human since Freshman year of high school, but I've never loved a computer as much as the one I write to you on. What a beautiful piece of machinery.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am not a snobby Mac owner... and I LOVE IT. It was worth every penny. Unlike Mr. Rumsfeld, it is attractive, sleek, intelligent, and does not write idiotic memos about our present state in Iraq. If anyone ever wants to come over and... you know... gaze at it (or use it- I guess I would trust you), feel free.

:) That pic... I made within the first 15 minutes of having the computer. Yeah- there's a BUILT IN CAMERA in the screen. Schweet? Indeed.

mAri

Thank Goodness

This semester is coming to an end. It flew by... which frightens me. I only have 6 more days of school left. Then I only have two exams. I feel like when I look back on college, this will be the semester I remember. My first apartment. My first political protest. My first campaign issue. My first class in my major. My first hangover. All kinds of firsts.

But, enough of the past. Let's talk about the present.

CURRENT STANDINGS WITH:

My right shoulder: OW. I pulled it today pretending to be a bee. (Just don't ask)
The weather: freakishly warm
My computer: soon to be history
MAC computer: I will pick mine up at the UT bookstore next week! iMac here I come...
Prilosec OTC: turns out, works as well as Protonix
My parents: I miss them - Thanksgiving break wasn't long enough
My major: I'm convinced that this is the right major for me.
Italy: I miss it so much
Clarissa: I can't wait for her to get back
My hair: surprisingly long
My closet wall: now covered in magazine clippings (you know me and my collages)
My bed: very unmade
Christmas tree at home: UP!
Christmas music: in my car whenever it's on
Aunty Ruthy: set to arrive on Dec. 13th

Well, that's all the updates for now. I think I will go put off doing homework some more and read my new book. ("Couldn't Keep it to Myself - Wally Lamb)

Goodnight all *******

Marzipan